Sunday, November 30, 2008

Dispatches from Crackistan

Mike: Let me try to explain what we're doing here. Anne, feel free to jump in any time you want.

Anne: ok

Mike: To our Readership: Anne and I chat a lot over coffee about the news and other subjects and we thought we'd let you in and, if you'd like, join in on the conversation.

Anne: We have a Readership?'

Mike: Yeah! You're my readership and I'm yours. Plus I'm recruiting.

Anne: I thought Prop 8 said that marriage was one man and one woman. Are you proposing polygamy?

Mike: A "virtual" polygamy, if you would. "Virtual" sister wives might share the labor. Many hands make light work.

Anne: How about brother husbands?

Mike: You're not following my model.

Anne: Anyway, so we're going to have this Readership.

Mike: Wait, wait...Have I told you of my idea of a "virtual" Revelator?

Anne: Dear Readership: we are NOT FLDS.

Mike: Yeah...And back to The Readership...We have not forgotten you.

Anne: So how is this virtual salon going to work?

Mike: We speak, they listen and we disregard the comments that are not flattering.

Anne: What if a REALLY dumb person comments? Do we have to disregard them?

Mike: Oh! You mean "The Prey"?

Anne: Well I guess that answers that.

Mike: Yeah...Wouldn't you like to see an unwitting comment maker look up at you in fear and utter the words, "Clever Girl"?

Anne: ...as you rush in from the left side and disembowel them?

Mike: You got it...I think we could do this.

Anne: But primarily we just chat with each other, right? Until we get the Readership in on it. And then we have lively debates with intelligent people…and enjoy the sport of the occasional Prey.

Mike: Yeah...You've got it upside-down, but you have all the elements.

Anne: So set me right, Mike.

Mike: "Lively Debate" and "Not-So-Occasional Prey", I think are the primary elements…"Sport"! I like that, too.

Anne: So what kind of things will we chat about?

Mike: News, local and foreign; politics and the goings on in Crackistan.

Anne: Crackistan? Isn't that a little racist?

Mike: Not at all, though I could see how it might come across that way. As you know, Crackistan is not an actual nation on some actual landmass. Crackistan is a state of mind. Yeah Crackistan does rhyme with Pakistan, but it’s not my intent to make fun of the people of Pakistan. I just needed a fictional place where Crack-heads were born. I could have called it Crackberg, Cracktown…but Crackistan just seemed to flow better… Cracklandia, Crack Vegas, San Cracksisco…you can stop me any time here, Anne.

Anne: I'm still not sure I follow.

Mike: OK, next time you find yourself in a situation that requires reason, you know, like life, when you come upon a reasonable response, you do the opposite.

Anne: Why would I do that? That's kind of idiotic.

Mike: Because that's what a Crackistani national would do. Try this: imagine that you are a bicycle rider who thinks that his or her right to the road makes him or her immune to the effects of being hit by a car going 40 miles per hour. That's how they do it in Crackistan…and Santa Cruz.

Anne: Aha. Ok, I think I've got it. A Crackistani could be from anywhere and come from any background. It's a state of mind.

Mike: Indeed. And remember this phrase: "I don't know how you do things in CRACKistan, but here in the States we..."

Anne: ...but very, very often, Crackistani activities happen right here in the States!

Mike: Oh yeah. There ain't a state in the Union that doesn't have a sizable Crackistani population. I doubt if there is any place on Earth that doesn't.

Anne: So in a way we are reclaiming the US in the name of reason, logic, and common sense?

Mike: We are, I think, working towards that goal, yes. But I’d like to reclaim the world, not just the States. And to do that we must acknowledge our own Crackistani sympathies and even sometimes tendencies.

Anne: I suppose so. Everyone visits Crackistan once in a while. It's just that some people take up permanent residence there.

Mike: I think that that may be the best way of explaining the phenomena.

Anne: Phenomenon. Singular

Mike: BACK OFF, WOMAN!!!!!

Anne: Back to the Readership, Mike.

Mike: This thing's gonna need some editing. But, yes, back to the Readership...Are they still out there?

Anne: I hope so.

Mike: OK then, back to our dwindling Readership. Feel free to comment. If your comments are interesting enough to us we might want to draw you in.

Anne: That sounds kind of elitist, Mike.

Mike: Perhaps we could even find a means of altering our format.

Anne: You mean we could invite other writers? Blogger has a feature for that.

Mike: Good, and to answer you: IT IS ELITIST. I have no problem with that. It's only the lowest classes that think "Elitist" is an ugly word. Still, maybe we should call this "Populist Elitism."

Anne: How the hell does THAT work?

Mike: Easy! Everyone just follows my lead and when I tell you that you have earned your place in the party then you are in. And...and this is important...everybody wants to be a part. This is where the "Popular" part comes in.

Anne: You are not a cult leader, Mike.

Mike: Yet, Anne...not yet.

Anne: ::looks up:: I wonder if we have any Readership left? We should wrap this up. Do you hear that? It's the orchestra pit sounding the theme music...time to say our thank yous and goodbyes

Mike: Damn, Anne! We do have to find theme music. Let's go shopping.

Anne: So to sum up...we chat here with each other about news, politics, and Crackistan, clean it up, throw it up on a blog, invite comments from all kinds of people, and then we ask the most interesting and sensible of the commentators if they want to join in writing actual blog posts?

Mike: That's about it. If it sounds like fun. Come on in. The water's fine.

Anne: Unless you're a REALLY dumb person.

Mike: Oh! You mean "The Prey"?